


Yours Sincerely

by narryisrealokaybye



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Feels, He started on YouTube, Leukemia, Lots of tears, M/M, Niall and Harry were best friends, Niall!Solo, Suicide, Tears, niall left on tour and everything changed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:35:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5339354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narryisrealokaybye/pseuds/narryisrealokaybye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry E. Styles</p><p>-    18 years old</p><p>-    Leukemia </p><p>-    Tells everything about his fight against cancer in letter for his best friend, Niall. </p><p>Niall J. Horan</p><p>-    19 years old</p><p>-    Famous singer</p><p>-    Travels around the world to give concert for all his fans</p><p>Or in which Harry writes letters to his best friend, Niall, about his fight against cancer and ends every letter with "Yours sincerely".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I posted and finished this fic on wattpad but I thought it would be nice to give people who don't like or have wattpad to read it on here. You can find me on tumblr, my name on there is @narryifyouaskme . This fic is rather short, 10 letters and an epilogue. Anyway I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for reading!

My dearest Niall

I write this letter in bed. Not just a bed, no a bed in a hospital room. 

If you are wondering why I am here, I do to! I don't have to be here, because there is nothing wrong with me!

Remember when I complained to you on the phone about being dizzy all the time, and having bleeding noses?

My mom knows for sure that those aren't as innocent as I tell her they are. It was she who took me to a doctor to check what was going on. 

While cleaning my room she found tissues, red from blood in my rubbish bin. She freaked out because she considered that I cut myself. I told her she was being silly, why would I cut myself? Have I a reason to it?

I don't think so. The only thing that could give me a reason is, maybe, because of my best friend. 

You. 

You? Yes, you. 

When you left on tour everything changed. I didn't do anything except from staying in my room, reading but most of the time concentrating on coursework and my studies. My mom told me to go out and have fun with my friends. 

What friends? You were somewhere on the other side of the world. And you know that I wasn't that kind of person who made friends in a second. 

When Louis (You know Louis Tomlinson, do you remember him?) came back of his international project it went better with me. He convinced me to come with him to the library after school to study there, with him and his friends; Liam Payne and Zayn Malik, instead of studying lonely in my bedroom at home. And before you ask, yes the Zayn Malik from primary school. He changed a lot, in a positive way. 

We meet up everyday after school in the library to get our coursework done. Before e sound like a bunch of nerds to you, this last year of school is the hardest one ever. You wouldn't know because you didn't even finished your second last one. 

We don't only study together. On Saturdays we hang out at someone's house to watch movies and stuff like that. We do stuff that friends do, you know.  

They are nice lads and it is nice to spend time with them. I never told you about them because  I was scared you would be jealous or that you would think that I replaced you by them. Which isn't true. 

Why would you even consider those thoughts? If I look on Twitter I see pictures of you with all those people who replaced me. I'm the one who should be jealous. And if I'm truly honest I am though!

But anyway they are good friends of me now, and it is good to know that they will always be there if I need to tell something so somebody. Even though I will never be as open to them like I was with you. 

My mom is all three of them thankful for the rest of their lives. Typical my mom. 

But who am I to complain about the fact that you are on tour? I was the one who told you how amazing your voice was and that you definitely had to something with it. I was the one to convince you to start with your YouTube channel where you could post the videos of you singing, showing others how brilliant your voice was. 

And don't get me wrong. I'm proud on you. Proud because you came so far. I'm so unbelievably proud. 

But that doesn't change the fact that I miss you. I really do miss you. 

But back to me again. After I told her I didn't cut myself, what she first wouldn't believe (again typical my mom), she asked me if I got a bleeding nose often. I bit my lip and nodded my head to her. She frowned her eyebrows but didn't asked more. 

It was after I fainted for the third time in a week time, that she took me to a doctor to get some tests done. I insisted at first. 

There is nothing wrong with me. Nothing. 

The doctor agreed with my mom. He told me those dizzy moments, bleeding noses etc. could be less innocent, but he also told us that he couldn't do anything. He was just a doctor where you go to when you have fever or a bad headache not something like me. 

So that's why I'm in the hospital right now. I'm here for tests and scans and all that stuff. I only stay two days for now and then I will go back to school for my last two weeks of school. My very last two weeks of school. Then I will graduate from secondary school. 

If they actually find something then I will come back here after I graduated for a longer period and for all the therapies that I will need. 

But I'm sure that won't be necessary. 

I don't want to tell my mom this, because she is already too stressed, but I'm actually scared. Scared that there will be anything wrong. That I am sick. 

If you were here you could comfort like you always did when I was scared or stressed. 

I don't think that you will remember it, but when my parents were on point of divorcing you were there too. I was so scared because I didn't want them to divorce. That one night you stayed for the night at mines and I started crying somewhere during the night. You slipped out your bed and joined me in mine. Even though we were still so young, around the age of 10, you already knew how to comfort me. I don't think I will find anyone where I can be myself completely except from you. You know me so good. 

Niall, please come back to me. I beg you. 

I miss our sleepovers or the castles we build in your garden. I miss the cuddles on the couch when we were watching a scary movie. 

Don't you miss that? 

Do you even have the time to miss all those amazing times?

Do you even remember them?

So many questions and I don't know if I will ever get an answer for them. 

I'm going to end this letter before I start crying and ruin this with my tears on the paper. 

Yours sincerely. 

Harry.


	2. II

My dearest Niall 

I was wrong. 

The results of the test came about a week later. I had to come to the doctor, this time he wanted to meet me in the hospital. I asked him why but he didn't say anything he just insisted that I had to come to the hospital and gave me the right floor and room number when he called me. 

I didn't want to go, like I already told you I was scared about what was comings. But I had to go, and because my mom wanted to be sure I was going, she went with me to him. 

I saw my life drifting away before my eyes when the words came from the mouth of the doctor.

"Harry, I'm so sorry to tell you but you have leukemia."

Leukemia. 

That one word hit me harder then when you tried to impress some girls when you were 14 by showing how good you were in skating. The wheels of the skateboard hit a stone and you fell on the ground. Hard. On your face. I remember how you were fighting not to cry in front of those girls. 

What would be more embarrassing? Falling on your face or falling on your face AND crying. 

The girls laughed and walked away, letting you lay on the ground. I was there to help you home, what took us ages because you did hurt your knee quite badly. And your face was bleeding. 

When I realized what that one word actually meant I was speechless, I didn't know what to say, I just couldn't find words. My mom next to me started crying while I just stared into the doctor his eyes. My own tears came when I was alone in my room. I wanted to disappear into the cocoon of duvets where I was laying in. 

Everyday I did exactly the same things; waking up, taking a shower, getting dressed, skipping breakfast, going to school, lunching with the lads, going to library to do the little bit of homework we had those last days, going back home, trying to avoid my mom, Robin or Gemma, laying on my bed and staring to the wall until dinner was ready, eating dinner while ignoring those three persons who wanted me to talk to them, and then go back to my room to read in a book until I went to bed early. 

I did this for two weeks long. Every day the same rhythm. Except from the weekends of course, then I would just wake up late and for the rest of the day I would lay on my bed reading or doing some homework. 

Yesterday I graduated from secondary school. It was a nice day, which I shared with my mates Liam, Louis and Zayn and my family; my mom, Robin and Gemma. The ceremony at school wasn't that long but it was nice. Now I officially have my diploma, sad thing is that I don't know if I will ever be able to go to university. After the ceremony we went for dinner with us all. Us, four boys, and then all our families. It was nice to be together. 

It wasn't only a party for us graduating but it was also kinda a goodbye party for me because I would get in hospital the day after and we didn't know when I would be able to bring a visit to my home. It was nice to spend my last night in freedom with all my friends and families. 

This morning early I got in the hospital and not even 12 houses past but I already hate it here.

Last time I shared my room with an old lady who just had an surgery at her hip. She told me she didn't get a lot of visitors because her husband died a few years ago and both of her sons lived at the other side of the country. I told her the reason I was there and I also told there wouldn't come visitors because I didn't really want it. 

All the time I would be in the room and wouldn't be away for those tests and that stuff we talked about everything, mostly about life. I really liked talking to her because I could tell her everything without she would judge me and even when she would, I wouldn't see her anymore after that weekend. 

It somehow reminded to talking to you. You won't be happy hearing that. It's probably not a fun thing to hear that talking to a 80 years old lady reminds me to you. But you know, she is the only person I ever talked to, besides you of course, with who I can be 100% honest and who wouldn't judge me for anything. I told her things that I probably not even have told to Louis. 

But this time I have a room for my own. It wasn't my choice but my moms. Of course. She told me I would need my privacy and somewhere I understand her but it is so boring. During visit hours there will be always be someone to talk to. From Gemma to Zayn. But after those it is so boring and quiet. 

You would hate it here, too. I know that for sure. 

You hate everything that makes you stay inside 24/7. You want to be able to go outside and have fun. You're not that kind of kid that likes to lay in bed with only their phone or laptop as entertainment. You liked video games but you wouldn't stay inside on a sunny day to play those stupid games where you have to kill innocent people. I never understood what people liked about this kind of games. But that will just be me, I never liked any kind of video games. 

I preferred reading a good book with a cup of tea and some biscuits. You didn't got that. You couldn't understand what was entertaining at reading a book. You only did read an actual book, because reading cartoons isn't exactly reading, when you had to for school. 

I remember when you stopped with school and started your music career that you said: "Now I don't have to read anymore!" I just laughed because you were being silly. 

Here the only thing that I actually can do is playing stupid video games, watching movies and videos on YouTube or reading. Not that I don't like reading, I love reading but it can be a bit too much if you have to do that whole day long. 

Like I already said, you would hate it over here, but I still wished you would be here. 

I haven't seen my mom crying as much as now. The worst thing is that she is crying because of me. She is scared. Scared that I will die. I'm scared about that too. I mean I'm only 18 years old, my life didn't even started yet. 

I hate the fact that I have to hurt my mom so much. I wished I could change something about it. 

How should it be to know that there is a big chance that your child, your 18 year old son, will die before you?

I know one thing for sure:

I need to fight. Fight for my life. 

Not only for me! For her!

But I don't know if I will be able to fight. Not without you on my side, Niall. 

Please, come back to me. 

Yours sincerely. 

Harry.


	3. III

My dearest Niall 

It's been a week since I came here. The time is going so slow, I have nothing to do. It is so boring here. Most of the time I spend watching to the clock on the wall, watch end how seconds become minutes and then those minutes change in hours. 

I wished you were here to entertain me. But you aren't. 

Tomorrow is the big day, then they start with the chemotherapy. That's why I write a letter now, I want to tell you how I feel before them and then after the first therapy I can tell you how it was. 

I'm really, really scared, Niall. I don't even care that I sound like a coward like now. 

What if it doesn't work? 

Gemma will be the one who will be with me during it. She was my second choice, my first one was you, of course. My mom wanted to take her place but I told her that I don't think that would be a smart plan. The only thing what she would do would be crying and I can't really use that. But Niall,  I can't say enough how much I want it to be you to be here, next to me when I have all these therapies. 

I tried to call you but it is rather hard because you are in Australia right now, and the time difference is huge. The times I didn't got your voicemail, even though they were all on a decent hour for you, you were to busy to really talk to me. You were making yourself ready for a show, or had to go to a studio for some recording for your next album, or you had a meeting with management or with friends. 

You told me to call me back later, so I did, but then you didn't answered the phone call or you would be busy again and tell me exact the same thing. 

Niall, why do you give me the felling that you don't want to talk to me? Weren't you the guy who told me that I can call you every moment of the day? That I can wake you up in the middle of the night because I need someone to talk to? 

Who are you and what did you do with my best friend called Niall James Horan?

You don't know how hard my heart breaks every time I get your voice mail or when you tell me: "I'm sorry Harry, but I can't talk to you right now! Call me back later okay? Okay, see you! Bye!". I really can't use that right now. From tomorrow on I will have to fight to survive this cancer. 

I have the feeling I bother you by calling you whole the time but this is quite important. Tomorrow I will start with chemotherapy because I have leukemia and you don't even know that I have cancer yet. You were the first one who I had to tell but tat first I was scared to tell you and now you won't listen to me. 

My mom and Robin think I talked to you already and they have been asking if you will be come to England to visit me. 

I don't want to tell them that you don't have time for me. 

What did change between us? 

I get that you're busy and stuff but c'mon is it even possible that every time that I call you have something planned. Every fucking time. 

Did I do something wrong? Because you give me that intention. 

I try to remember when this started. I think it was two months ago, after your latest visit. That was the last time I saw you, and maybe the last time in forever. I don't like that thought I really don't but everything you end our telephone call with exactly the same words, it makes it a bit mor believable.  

My mom always told me, and still tells because she keeps repeating herself even after all these years (sounds typical for moms though), me to not think negative but it is so much easier to think negative then positive. 

You were always the positive one of the two of us. Always convinced that there would be a happy ending, instead of the bad one that I was thinking about. You were positive all the time. Even on the moments that were so obvious going to end in a disaster!

Like that time that we, well you, wanted to go that party where all the cool kids where going to and we weren't allowed. Ur parents thought we were 'too young.' In you're words: "Complete bullshit!" You were going to stay at mine for the night and then when my parents would go to bed we would sneak out the house and go to the party. That's what we did. 

To be honest, I didn't want to go. I have never been into parties. You wanted to go, so that's why I went with you. I never told you that I didn't like it because I was scared you would've mad, now I don't care anymore, there is a chance I won't  become 19, there's a chance I won't see you anymore. 

But anyways, I went to that party with you even when I was sure we would get caught. You were 101% sure that my parents wouldn't notice it. 

Well, they did notice it. How is still a mystery for both of us. I never asked my mom but I don't think I want to know. 

When we came home not only my parents but also yours were waiting in the living room. Both our mothers where crying and our dads where just disappointed in us. They weren't exactly  happy with our 'sneak out to go to the cool party'-mission. 

In the end we just had to stay inside for two weeks but we could still hang out, we were just not allowed to go outside. Luckily, we could still see each other that's what made it not that bad after all. We just had to search things we could do inside. 

You were an idiot sometimes when we were younger. 

But you were still my idiot. 

Are you still my idiot, Niall?

Yours sincerely. 

Harry.


	4. IV

My dearest Niall

I feel so tired and I just woke up. Chemo asks so m of me I can't even explain. I will try to write as neat as possible but it is hard because everything I do takes so much more of me then it normally did.

Not only I feel horrible, I even look horrible. If I may believe my friends their words I got skinnier and those huge blue circles under my eyes doesn't make me look really handsome either.

And my hair, yeah, my curls, they look like they aren't alive, if you get what I'm trying to explain. They aren't the same color brown anymore and they aren't thick anymore. I don't want to touch them because I'm scared I will have all my hair in my hands.

I don't want to lose my hair, Niall.

You loved running you're fingers through them. You won't be able to do that anymore, because they will start to fall out soon and since you still refuses to talk to me...

I remember you joking about how long my hair got when you were here for the last time. You laughed with my men bun. But you told me that it looked great on me. I was so happy after that, I don't even know why. I felt like a little child who got a cookie.

"Hi. Niall here! I'm really busy right now so leave a message after the tone and I will call you back when I have the time for it."

I heard the words of your voicemail already so many times that I know them by heart.

Every time I leave a message but you don't call me back like you promise in your voicemail. Why don't you call back. I tell you I have something important to tell you but you still don't call me back.

Goddamit Niall just call back. Just let me explain why I call so much. I can't die without you knowing that I have cancer. I won't let that happen. So if you just pick up your phone when I call you and give me two minutes. Two minutes. I don't ask more, only two minutes, maybe I need even less so I can tell you about my cancer.

After that I won't call again if you want me to. I won't bother you anymore with my calls and voicemails. I know I can just send a text but how stupid is that? I don't know but I just want to tell you like it feels like I tell you in real life. Like it feels that you are actually here.

I tried to call you on FaceTime too. I want to see your face again. And not just in the pics I see on Twitter and Instagram of you with fans or on your shows. I want to see your smile on my screen, not on a picture al your fans can see but one just for me alone.

Today is it the 7th of July 2015. Exactly 5 years ago we shared our first kiss. I was thirteen and you fourteen. We were the only guys in our class who never kissed somebody. And because we both didn't want to regret our first kiss, because we kissed a stupid girl or something like that, we decided that we should share our first kiss.

It was in the park under the seventh tree on your right. I know i am a creep by still knowing things like this. But I never forget important things in my life.

That kiss was definitely important.

On that moment the kiss didn't mean anything for both of us. We were just to best friends who wanted to try something out. It happend one year before I came out as gay. I had a hard time to realize that I didn't like girls like you, and all the other guys on our school did.

I was disgusted by boobs and vaginas. We were all in our porn fase, it was a normal thing for guys at the age of 14-15 years old. But I hated to watch straight porn. I thought it was gross, and to be honest I still think.

I came out to you as first because I wanted that you would come with me when I told my family. You were a bit at first but you accepted me, just like how I was. Just like my mom and sister accepted me. My dad is another story but he isn't in the picture anymore so I don't care about him anymore.

I remember you staying over one night, a few days after my come out, and you were really quiet. I asked you what was going on but you told me there was nothing. But I was your best friend. I knew you for such a long time, I knew that there was something wrong. So I kept asking you until you gave in.

You didn't really gave me an explanation but you asked me one question:

"Harry, does you being gay means you have feelings for me?"

I stared you in disbelief, I really didn't get how you could think that.

"What the hell?"

That was what I said. That was the only thing I could came up with on the moment. I was so surprised by your question. I really did not have any idea how you got the intention for it.

"Did our kiss, meant something to you?"

My mouth drops now I understand what he was thinking about. I answer him by shaking my head and chuckling a bit. I pulled you in a hug telling you that you were my best friend and that would stay forever.

"Forever?" You asked.

"Forever!" I told you.

Niall, what happend to our forever?

Yours sincerely.

Harry.


	5. V

My dearest Niall

It's been a while since I wrote my last letter and that's because I've had a really hard week. It was the first time my friends came and it hit me hard to see them. They were all sad because they saw me lying in my beed as a poor boy who they can't help. But I was sad too, because they had to see me in that way.

I never wanted to show my weakness to people, but now I had to. They wanted to come earlier but I didn't want to. I didn't want them to see me like this, but I just couldn't stop them anymore. They kept asking and I just agreed so they would stop.

So they came last Thursday. They all looked like they were going to cry and I warned them that if they did, they could fuck off. I don't want people to cry around me. That's the worst thing in life.

You have it all the time, but you know that those girls cry because they are finally able to see you in real life, or if they are lucky meet and maybe hug you.

Knowing that people around you cry because of you is not something you want. I want them to tell that everything will be alright. That I will be home in no time.

But the thing is that I can't assure them about it. I don't know for sure if I will win it from this cancer in my blood.

And like you know, I hate lying. Lies only cause trouble and more sadness in this case. And that is not what I want.

After I had a conversation from about three hours with the boys, Louis and Zayn started crying and I asked them to go away, so that's what I did. Liam stayed. He asked me why I didn't want them to be here while they were crying so I explained him how I feel when somebody cries.

Liam is a nice lad, and a nice guy to talk with. He lets you say everything you want to tell and he will listen to every single word of it.

After I did my explanation, he stood up and took his jacket. He said 11 words before he waved and left the room to follow his two other friends.

"Then fight for it, so they don't have to cry in the end!"

Everybody keeps telling this to. That I have to fight, that I can win this stride if I want to and if I fight. Why don't they understand that it is way harder than they think it is.

They don't know how it is to have chemo therapies and I know that they mean it in a good way but it only makes it harder for me.

Because I don't want to disappoint them but I'm afraid to fall, to fall in de darkness called dead.

I wished you were here! I can't say/write it enough. I can't explain how much I miss you, but you don't miss me.

I follow everything you do on Instagram and Twitter and I should stop with it because it breaks me only more.

I see all those pics from you smiling, being happy as hell, not one time you look sad. Or look like there is someone in your life who needs you and you just keep ignoring.

Why do you do this, Niall.

I really don't get it.

First you start finding excuses to not talk to me over the phone. You were always busy but then you would post a picture on Instagram of the tv in your hotelroom while you are watching a golf contest. With the caption: "Chilling in the hotel room with golf. #thegoodlife" Do you really think I am stupid or stupid?

Now, you don't even pick up your phone anymore. Everytime I think that maybe THIS time I will have some luck and you will pick up and tell me that you missed talking to me and that you have some time. Maybe you even ask if we can FaceTime so you can see my smile again.

And the worst is that I started sending this letters and you don't even answer. Why? Do you even open them? Or do you just think "It's Harry again, the attention seeker!" and throw them in the rubbish bin in the bathroom of your hotelroom so that the next day when they clean your room that the letter will be gone? I think so because why would you otherwise not answer? I get that I have been being annoying by calling so much but I just want to tell you what is going on. I don't know if I already told you this but I don't want to die without you knowing that I was sick, fighting against cancer. I have probably already said that but I don't care, I want you to know that because it is the truth.

It's 5am at the moment that I write this and I better go to bed to get some rest. My third chemo therapy starts at 9am. And I will be exhausted again afterwards.

You are probably wondering "Your third therapy? Last time you said something about that you were just going to have your first one, and you wrote after that one!" Yes, true but like I said it's been a while that I sat myself down (well I sit most of the time, but you know what I mean) to write this letter.

After the second therapy I wanted to write but I was feeling so bad and I was so tired I can't even explain. Writing this letter took ages because it takes so much of my energy.

I'm going to end here and go to bed to catch some sleep.

Yours sincerely.

Harry.


	6. VI

My dearest Niall

You were in London. You were in freaking London and you didn't even took time to visit me. You don't know how hard you are hurting me. You were only 30 minutes away from me but you didn't bothered to come and see you best friend. Or if I'm not your best friend anymore, your oldest childhood friend.

I remember the day that I saw you playing on your own in our street. You were sitting on the road playing with some cars. I walked over to you and asked if I could join you. You looked up at me and it was then that I saw the most beautiful eyes that I will ever see. Blue like the deepest ocean. 

I asked you if you were new and you nodded. You explained that you just moved to England from Ireland where he was born. Your parents got divorced and your mom thought it was a good idea to live in a new area so they could start a new life. You pointed to your new house and told me that I should come to play in your new room once. I told you I would.

Our mothers came on the street to get us inside when it started to darken but instead of going inside they started talking and became friends right away, just like we were already best friends. 

It was in the summer vacation when you came to live here, so we could play together every day while our mothers would sit in the garden and drink tea and tell each other all kind of stories. They decided that it would be a good idea to let us start in the same school.

So with that on our first day we walked in to the school side to side. We were placed in the same group and we couldn't be happier.

We had a really great time at school. 

We were best friends trough all these years. 

We were best friends during primary school.

We were best friends during secondary school.

We were best friends when you started with YouTube.

We were best friends after you stopped with school to focus on the thing you really loved; music. 

We were best friends when you published your first album.

We were best friends when you left on tour.

We were best friends when you came home a while ago when you had a break from the tour.

We weren't best friends anymore when you were on tour again.

I don't know what changed. You acted different during that week in England. But when I asked you about it you told me there was nothing. I believed you, best friends trust each other, right?

So when I saw those pics of you in London, my heart broke. You didn't stay long, I think you were here about three days. But does it take so much time to drive to my house and just come to visit me. Then my mom would tell you that I was not there but in the hospital and then you would know by now. 

But that is not how it went. 

Niall, did I do something wrong? Because if I did, just tell me! Just tell me and then we can do something about it. I really don't like that we don't talk anymore. 

I crossed my own line and texted you. I didn't tell anything about the cancer thing but I start thinking that I should. I will do it tomorrow, I wil give you the chance to answer my text first. 

The text just said: 

Hi Niall. Can you just please stop ignoring me and pick up your phone. Please? I miss you .x

I don't know if that was too much but I just need to hear your voice and talk to you. I miss you Niall. Don't you miss me? 

What went wrong between us?

I finally told my mom about this and she was shocked and she obviously started crying again. She and Maura hasn't been in touch in a while since your mom moved back to Ireland. She told me she would try to contact Maura but she isn't sure if that would work out because she has a new phone and lost all her contacts, and we don't really know the address where your mom stays. 

It would be so much easier if you just would stop ignoring my phone calls and then I would be able to explain everything. And if you really don't want to be my friend anymore, you don't have to!

I just want to tell you that I'm sick.

I hate this Niall.

Why do you do this to me?

I feel so bad. So bad, because I have the feeling it is my fault that we are not friends anymore. But at the other side, I really don't know what I did wrong to cause this.

If you just could pick up your freaking mobile phone. Don't tell me you always missed it because I am not stupid, Niall. I told you before!

You tweet like every two seconds or post a picture on Instagram. Your phone is so important for you, you would never leave without it, and you know that and you also know that I know that.

I see pics of you calling on your phone.

With who are you calling then, Niall?

Is with your girlfriend?

Do you have a girlfriend, Niall?

Because if that is the reason that you stopped talking to me, because you found a replacement by someone else who could listen to your problems, then I'm sorry (or not really though) but then you are really a jerk.

Do you think I wouldn't be happy for you if you were happy with a girl?

Because if it is like that, then you are the one who is the stupid one!

Yours sincerely.

Harry.


	7. VII

My dearest Niall

So two days ago I had another therapy. It's not going good with me at all. I feel sick, everything hurts and my heart the most of all.

My curls are gone. All of them. I stared at myself in the mirror of my little bathroom and started crying. I'm losing things that make myself meaning I will lose myself soon.

I stared at myself so long, I cried so long, my heart ached so hard and I just got mad. Mad at God for giving me cancer, not only for making me suffer but also my family and friends. Mad at my mother because she is always sad, she is always crying and it hurts so much. Mad at the doctors because they just can't heal me in like one, two, three.

But most of all, mad at myself. I have so many reasons to be mad at myself but at the same time I have not. I hate myself for making you ignore me, even though I have no idea why you do that. I hate myself because I'm still sick and not fighting hard enough.

But the truth is that I don't know why I am fighting. For my family. Yeah, that is probably it. When I get better they will be so happy. I will get my hair back and probably go to college and university to study. But will I be happy? I'm not sure. Would you still ignore me? I'm not sure neither.

So yesterday I was watching at myself, at the ugly, tired looking, weak, bold Harry Edward Styles.

And I honestly don't know what happened but I got so angry that I used all the power I have and started screaming and punched at myself in the mirror.

The mirror broke and glass made scratches in my hand. It did hurt but the pain was nothing what I was feeling the last months.

After that the mirror broke, I started crying all over again and fell on the cold flour, that's where they found me a few minutes later.

Niall, what is going on with me? I'm not myself anymore. It's like I need you to be myself. To know who I am.

Nobody was mad at me for breaking the mirror. The nurses muttered something about "It's not his fault, it are the medicines." My mom just stroked my cheek and told me she told me that I am so brave and that I will get through this, that I just have to fight.

This morning I finally grew some balls and send you this text message:

"Hi Niall. I've been trying to contact you for a while now. I don't know if you are ignoring me and I have no idea why you would do that; I hope everything is going good with you because with me it isn't good. That is the reason I have been trying to contact you. I can't die without you knowing that I have cancer. Leukemia to be specific. I don't know if I will survive this, but Niall please call me back. I just want to hear your voice again. Maybe it will be the last time I will be able to hear it and I just need to hear it .xx H"

And then this message popped up on my screen:

You are blocked by this number. You can't text or call this person until he or she unblocks you.

It felt like someone just ripped my heart out my chest and threw it of a mountain.

How could you do this to me.

I'm not even going to bother to say sorry for the teardrops on the paper because it is quite obvious why I am crying. It's again because of you.

AGAIN.

You don't know how many times I was just sobbing in my bed. Alone in my room because I didn't want anyone to see me like that; sobbing with red and puffy eyes, not exactly what my definition is of manly. And then I would have to explain why I was crying and all that bullshit.

What do I have to do know?

Is there anything I can do?

It isn't a mystery to figure out that I will probably die. And I will die without talking with my "best friend" for a last time.

How can I die without you knowing how much I care about you?

How much I love you?

Yeah, here you have it.

I love you.

I l o v e y o u.

You, Niall James Horan, you were always the light in the darkness in my life. You learned me what caring is. What it is to be loved by someone. Unfortunately, not in the way I will ever experience

I'm just in love with you, I can't stop denying it.

Before you start thinking wrong about me. I wasn't in love with you when we kissed so I don't really count it like a kiss kiss, you know what I mean?

But that kiss was a really good push for me to know that I was gay.

When I came out as gay, I had a huge crush on that two year older lad, Nick. Do you remember him? You didn't like him and that's the reason me and NIck never become more then friends.

I did it for you.

Everything I did, was for you, in some way.

I can't really remember when I fell in love with you but it just happened.

It happened, slowly and peaceful.

But I knew, I just knew that it would ruin our friendship so I held it for me.

I always was sure that it was the best.

Except from now.

I have no idea anymore.

I don't know anymore.

Not at all.

The only thing I know is that I am in love with you and you aren't with me and you will never be because we won't see each other anymore. I'm sure of that, and it breaks me.

It breaks me, Niall, don't you get that?!

Yours sincerely.

Harry.


	8. VIII

My dearest Niall

This is the second letter in one week and it takes probably all my power I need for my next therapy which is next week.

But like always there is a reason I write this one, I don't know if you noticed but I always wrote a letter when I had to tell you something. It's not like I don't want to write more letters but it takes so much energy and when I had the energy for it I didn't know exactly what I had to write. What do you write to a guy you haven't spoken to in months?

But let me go back to the reason why I write this letter before I start crying again.

Niall, the been so hard for me months have been extremely hard for me. In different ways. Of course the cancer which is killing me. The pain it gives me, the chemo therapies which make me feel so ill and after them I feel worse. The pain of seeing my family suffering because they have to see me like this.

Poor Harry, without hair, so weak, so sad.

And if that's not even enough...

Once there were two guys; the blonde with the blue eyes, blue like the ocean and the brunette with green eyes. They knew each other for years. They started school together but never finished it side by side because one of those two boys followed his dreams and became a famous popstar. The other one supported his friend with everything he did. Everything went amazing until the blue eyed one his little break was over and had to go back on tour.

The week they spend was absolutely amazing. They did everything they used to do when they were younger, even things they were probably too old for but they didn't care about that. It was a sad moment when they had to say goodbye again at the airport. But the blonde promised the brunette that he would text him as much as possible. That they would Skype and that he would be back in no time.

The brunette believed in his promise but he wished he never did. After a few days his best friend stopped texting him and started to use excuses to not talk to him. He don't know anymore how many tears he waisted for it, because he knows that the boy who he is in love with, will never come back to him.

The end?

Is this the end of our story Niall? Because I'm pretty sure it is. And I hate to admit it!

Yesterday, I thought I knew it. I knew how I could come in contact with you again. So I called your manager. The kind Paul who promised me I could always call him if there was anything. I never did it though, until, like I said, yesterday.

This is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi Paul, it's me Harry.

Paul: Harry, long time not spoken to you!

Me: I know!

Paul: What can I do for you?

Me: Is Niall somewhere near you?

Paul: He is, you want to talk to him?

Me: Please!

Paul: A moment. Why didn't you just call him?

Me: Long story.

Paul: Okay, here he is!

Me: Thanks!

Niall: Hello, who's this?

Me: Niall I'm so happy to-

tuut tuut tuut

Are you kidding me Niall? Probably not! Even though you have a horrible kind of humor, I know even you would not do this for a joke!

Tell me, please.

JUST FREAKING TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

I'm so freaking confused! I've went trough everything I can remember from that week you were with me and nothing really weird happend between us. It's was just like how it was before. Just the two of making fun and fooling around together.

I know you are really busy but that never held you back before to not make time for your best friend when he really needed it. Well now I really need it. You won't even hear me out, that's probably the worst.

This makes me thinking about the future.

What if I die tomorrow, next week or month? You will probably find out in someway (well hopefully) and will you regret ignoring me? Will you regret being a dick (sorry not sorry for my language) to me?

Will you?

Do you even think about me? Because you are in my head all the time and I wished you weren't because it is killing me.

I've been in love with you for a while now, and I don't know if it is a good thing or not that you never found out. If I die soon, I won't die as a guy who never had his first kiss and I'm happy you were the one I shared it with because I won't ever regret that kiss.

I think I made my point clear. Sorry this letter isn't so long but I can't write more, it's too hard.

I love Niall.

I love you.

Your sincerely.

Harry.


	9. IX

My dearest Niall

If you can't read my handwriting I wouldn't be surprised because it looks really crap. Another therapy and I have no energy left in my body and I still put energy in writing a letter to my unreachable famous friend, who probably can't even remember me but yeah, I have nothing better to do.

That's a lie because I could fight against this cancer if you get what I mean but I don't really have a reason anymore to fight for it. Yeah my parents but that's it.

Everything hurts. My body hurts, from my little toe to my head. Even my heart hurts and you know why that is. It hurts so much and it is a sad thing that you will never feel the pain I'm feeling and you are the reason of a big part my pain.

Writing hurts too but I still do it because I need to tell you something.

I've been fighting against this cancer for months now and I'm still not getting better. I don't think the doctors want to tell me and I also don't want to believe it but deep inside I know what they think when they look at me. They know I'm not getting better and they are telling me to fight even though it is useless. It's hard to think about but I won't get better anymore.

The cancer isn't going away, it is getting bigger. They don't tell me that but that is what I feel. And in some way I don't mind dying.

It's my escape to a new beginning without pain. A new start for me, new friends and a new person to be in love with one day.

Yeah, I still believe in life after this one.

Remember when we could lay on my or your bed, staring at the ceiling and just talk about what would happen if died. You kept telling me that I was an idiot for believing that after you died you come back in the body of a new person.

But in some way I talked it into your head and you started believing it too and then we talked about how we wanted to be in our next life. We wanted to be girls so we could know how it is to be a girl.

When we were 12 we got health classes and after they told us what menstruating meant we were absolutely sure that we didn't want to be a girl ever. We were disgusted by the idea of blood coming out the "girls part down there" (like we called it back then).

I've always been disgusted with that "part". When we became older I sometimes needed to remind you that I was gay when you started to talk about that girl a year ahead us with her big boobs and how you really wanted to be her boyfriend so you could squeeze her butt now and then. I would scruch my nose and tell you that you had to do what you wanted to do.

Now that I'm sure we will never have contact again I can tell you that I always though you were bisexual.

We could sit on a bench somewhere in the city, eating icecream and watching people who passed us and you would tell me which girls where hot and I would tell you about the guys but I've noticed how you stared at the hot guys. How you looked at their but when they passed.

You probably never noticed that I saw it but who cares anymore?

Niall, you and my family were the only reason why I fought against my cancer. But now you are gonna and you were always the most important thing in my life.

You won't miss me when I am gone.

I know my family will but I can't do this anymore. They would get over it.

Because if I stay alive there are two things that can happen.

1\. I will get to college and go study without you in my life because you just deleted me out your memory and your life. I would never be happy because you mean so much to me and I don't know if I could find another person as perfect as you who I can love. What probably won't happen because I've fallen too hard for you.

2\. I will survive and you will come back to me like nothing happend and I would love to see you again but I can't forget what you did to me. I don't think I could just go back to you like we were before after all this. I love you but you hurted me too much.

It is a lost for me anyways so I don't see why I should do this anymore.

I'm eighteen. I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions and my parents have nothing to say something about it anymore. I can do whatever I want.

And I know this is not what they want and I know I will have to see my mom cry even more if I tell it them but this I my choice and they can beg as much as they want I will not change my thoughts.

Your sincerely.

Harry.


	10. X

Dearest Niall

I'm going to be honest with you and just going to say it right away. This will be my last letter. To you. To anyone. Ever.

It's been a while since my last letter but I didn't want to write about this sooner. 

I've had a conversation with my doctors and I told them I wanted to stop with my therapies because I couldn't do it anymore.

I also told my family and they didn't took it really good. My mom and sister kept screaming at me. 

"You can't do this to us, Harry!"

"You aren't thinking straight!"

"You are almost there, I know you can do it!"

This and so much more, a hundred times a day. 

I told them everything about you and me. How I am in love with you and how I saw on Twitter that you have a new girlfriend and I just can't do it anymore, without you.

I didn't really told them about how bad our situation is because I don't want them to hate you.

That all was five weeks ago. 

The doctors tried to convince me to not stop but just keep fighting and that I would get there but I was just honest with t hem. And finally they just accepted me. They gave me five weeks. 

This is one of my last days and to be honest, I feel how I have no energy left anymore. That is why this letter is going to be short as hell. I don't have the power to write a lot. I hope you can read this because it is so hard to focus on writing and all the words are dancing for my eyes and I'm concentrating to hard on writing correctly. You know how much I hate spelling mistakes and I don't want my last letter to contain tones of them.

So, yeah, this is really hard to write and not only because I am so weak but also because I don't really know how to write this down.

This is my goodbye, I guess. 

My goodbye to you.

My goodbye to my life.

My goodbye to my place in this world.

I want you to read this and feel bad. And that can sound really rude from me but I don't give an actual f*ck. You were the reason of a lot of my pain and I hope you feel bad now and feel pain like I had to feel it. I hate you so much for being an asshole to me but I can't change the way fame changed you.

But at the other hand I really want to thank you, Niall. And it probably sounds weird after what I just wrote but okay. 

Thanks for those amazing years where you were there always for me. When I had a hard time I always knew you would come over immediately to cuddle with me. 

Thanks for those cuddles, you give the best hugs I swear to God! I'm going to miss them. Well not really miss them because I won't do anything but you know what I mean right.

If you don't, I mean that I missed them. I missed them so much!

But unfortunately I won't have the chance to experience them ever again. 

Thanks for the good times, sadly enough God didn't gave us a lot of time for us to enjoy each others company.

So I guess this is it. 

Thanks Niall.

I love you so much (even though I also hate you!)

For the last time.

Yours sincerely.

Harry.


	11. Epilogue

"So Niall," the interviewer starts after they talked about the the blonde his new album that came out two weeks ago, "it all started with your YouTube channel of course."

The superstars smiles and nods his head.

"Why did you start with the channel? Like how did you come up with the idea of posting videos of you singing online?"

It's a question Niall is used to hear. Almost every interview he gets this question and all the times before his smile would grown and he would tell everything about how his best friend, Harry, always told him how amazing his voice is and how he was the one why he made the channel.

But this time his heart tightens in his chest and he bites the inside of his cheek so he didn't start crying.

Normally he loved to talk about Harry, he would tell every detail of what happend the last time they saw each other. His closest friends joked about him being in love with the curly boy. He would just slap them playfully on the arm and tell them they were crazy.

"Niall?" The interviewer makes Niall wake up out of his little day dream. "Are you okay? You look a bit pale," the voice of the woman speaks to him.

"No actually I feel kinda dizzy, I'm sorry but-" He doesn't know what to say more and just cuts himself off.

"I get it, it's really warm! If you want we can stop here?" She eyes him up and he is able to get a little smile on his face.

She's right about the fact it's really warm and then the thought of Harry makes him really dizzy. His view goes black for a second and he quickly stands up and reaches his hand to the lady.

"I'm really sorry," he tells her honestly.

"It's okay, Niall. Don't worry, we had a lovely interview! I really enjoyed having you." She explains when she gets up and shakes his hand.

"It was really nice, thank you for having us!" He quickly says and then he is off and runs to his dressing room where he locks himself and slides down on the ground. Tears start falling, leaving a trail of tears on his grey t-shirt, he is wearing.

There is a knock on the door but he can't be bothered to get up and open it. He doesn't want to face anyone at the moment.

"Niall," the voice calls out but he can't place it, his mind is already drifting to Harry.

Harry Styles.

His best friends since they were so young.

It makes him sad to think about him. He grabs his phone and scrolls though the little list of numbers. Harry's number isn't there anymore and it makes him cry even more.

The last time he went to Holmes Chapel was so amazing. He missed Harry so much, but something changed during that small period of time.

It was when they were cuddled up on Harry's bed, when he started thinking that he wished that it wasn't Harry as his best friend holding him but Harry as his boyfriend.

The thought shocked himself. He never had these thoughts about a guy, not even with a girl if he has to be honest.

It didn't felt like the cuddles they shared before. Normally it was mostly when one of the two was sad or like this time when they didn't saw each other in ages. This time it felt so right to be in Harry's arms. He wished the moment could freeze and they would stay there for ever.

He realized that he was in love with the green eyed boy when he had to leave again. Both were on the edge of crying and he just knew that Harry was the one he wanted to spend his life with.

Two days later, he was in a hotel he watched girls talking about him. They were discussing the subject about 'what if Niall would be gay and have a boyfriend'. They were very mean about it. He heard them saying that he would break all of the fans their hearts if he did that, and that it would be the end of the carrier.

He didn't think selfish about it, he didn't think one second about 'loosing his job' but what if Harry would be his boyfriend, he would get so many hate, and that is something he could not let happen.

He thought about it more and more that night and the following days and nights. He decided that he couldn't love Harry and that it would be the best for Harry if he stopped talking to him.

And how much it hurt him, this was the best for Harry.

He didn't want him to be the target to hate on of teenage girls.

He talked with Paul, his tour manager, about it and he said Niall was right and so Niall stopped messaging Harry, and ignoring his phone calls.

Harry called about five times a day and in the beginning he would say that he was busy but then he just stopped with picking up the phone. Hearing his voice on the phone was the worst, he wanted to talk to this guy so badly but he wasn't allowed, he didn't allow himself to do it.

It was Paul who blocked Harry and eventually gave him a new number. He saw how much it broke Niall but he told him it was the best.

Niall doesn't know how many tears he cried since that week off, but it are a lot.

"Niall!" Someone places his hand on the knee of the crying lad. He looks up and trough his tears he sees Josh, the drummer of his band, sitting in front of him. He doesn't know how he got in because he locked the door but he doesn't questions it, he just pulls the boy in a hug and Josh let him cry while patting his back and telling him it will be okay.

Niall isn't so sure about that though.

 

-&-

 

When the door of his mother swings open, he is greeted by his mom but not the way she used to greet him if he came home after several months. Normally she would pull him in a long staying hug and even cry a bit, only happy tears though. This time is different. Her face is pale and her eyes red and puffy. You can see the tears who are still sitting on her cheeks.

"Mom?" He asks worried to see his mum like this. "What's wrong? What happened? Why did you cry?" He gets tears in his own eyes by seeing her like this.

"I- I think you should take a seat before I tell you." Her voice is shaky.

With sweaty hands follows he her to the sitting room and takes place on the couch next to her.

"Mom, what is wrong?" She looks up and they stare in each other's eyes. She takes his hands in hers and sighs.

"I got a phone call today," she starts and he sees she has a hard time telling him what is going on. "It was Anne."

He opens his mount to say something but there is no voice coming out of his throat. She squeezes his hands.

"She told me it took her ages to find my phone number but she got it," she continues her story. She sighs deeply. "She told me Harry passed away two days ago."

The feeling that he has is like someone beats him up.

He can't breath. He tries his hardest to breath normally.

Tears start running down his face.

"Wha- What do you mean?" He asks even though I already know what she is going to say.

Harry died. He will never get a chance to see him again.

"Harry had cancer and lost the fight."

He looks up to her again, his sight is blurry because of the tears. "Cancer?"

"Yes, leukemia, why didn't you told me anything?"

"I didn't knew that! He never tol-" He cuts himself off.

He feels dizzy. Harry kept calling him for a reason. He told me there was something important he had to know. He never gave him a chance to explain himself.

He gets up, and he doesn't know where his legs are bringing me but he starts running. Everything passes in a blur when he keeps running trough the streets. He stops when he reaches a little playground.

There is a bench next to the swings and he takes place on it. He hides his face in his hands and let himself cry.

He doesn't care if someone sees him.

Harry. He isn't here anymore. He will never see him again.

Never.

Never will he see his best friend again, the love of his life, even though Harry didn't know that.

He cries and cries, he has no idea how many hours pass but he hears people saying his name and hears the clicking of cameras but he couldn't care less.

He just heard the news his best friend died, he has the right to be sad.

He hears people shouting things to him but he can't hear what they say.

Harryharryharry.

That's the only thing he can think about.

"Come Niall. We are going home, okay?" He hears mom saying to him. He doesn't know when she got here but she's here now. She takes his hand and leads him trough the people.

When we come home he goes straight to his childhood bedroom and strips down to his boxers before he climbs in his bed.

A few minutes later his mom enters and gives him a cup of tea. "Baby, Anne asked me if I wanted to call her again to tell her if we are coming to the funeral."

He nods his head. "I want to go." He wants to be there to say goodbye to Harry.

"I will let Anne know that we are coming. And I will look up when we can fly to England," she tells him before she presses a kiss on his hair and leaves the room, letting him alone to cry on his own.

 

-&-

 

He and his mom are in the car on my way to the funeral. Niall is sitting in the back and He's just staring outside and tries his hardest to not start crying already. The cars stops and his mom is the one who places her hand on his knee so the blonde looks up at her.

"We're here, common," she tells him and takes his hand in hers to lead him out of the car. The blue eyed follows obediently, not knowing to do differently.

They enter the little church and the first thing he sees is Harry his mum, Anne. Anne has been like a second mum for him since his mum and he moved to Holmes Chapel. When she sees him, a little smile appears on her sad looking face. They walk over to her and she pulls him in to a hug.

They are both crying into each others arms. When they finally pull back, Anne looks him deep in his eyes.

"I'm really happy you are here! It means a lot to me, to us, to Harry!"

Hearing Harry's name makes him tear up again.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers and he knows that this is not enough to bring Harry back and nothing is enough to make up for what he did.

"Seeing you here is so amazing. I didn't thought you would come," she tells him.

"Wh- Why not?" He ask her not really getting it.

"After you started ignoring him," she starts and he shuffles a bit awkward with his feet. "And after you never responded on his letters."

He stares at her with his big, blue eyes. "Letters? What letters? I don't know about letters!"

"It's okay, you don't have to lie to me. He's not coming back because of this," she answers while the tears stream down her face. "I need to go to the others. It's good to see you too, Maura!" And with that she walks away from the confused guy.

"Come, we are going to take a seat!"

They take place and Niall looks down at his lap. What did she mean with that he never responded to Harry his letters. He never got a letter from Harry.

About five minutes later the funeral starts. People are telling all these beautiful things about Harry and he is crying non stop.

He listens to all the words said but there is only some sentences that really come to his brain. It's Gemma who is speaking and she is telling about how it was to see Harry being in pain during his therapies. She ends her speech with a few sentences who are meant to Harry.

"Dear little brother. You're always been my light in the darkness, I love you so much and I can't believe you are not here anymore. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you more then I did. I'm sorry for screaming at you after you decided to stop with your therapies. I was being selfish for not seeing that you just didn't want live anymore. And it hurts so much to say but I hope you are happier now then you was when you were still alive." She stars sobbing and Robin has to help her of the stage.

Harry decided to quit with his therapies?

What?

 

-&-

 

It's been two days since the funeral and his head is still full of questions he wants to get an answer on.

Why did Harry stop with his therapies?

Why did Anne start about letters?

What is it with those letters?

Why did he never got these letters?

Why is he such a dick for not being a good friend?

At first when he hears his phone ringing he doesn't want to pick it up, not wanting to talk to anyone at the moment. But after the noise keeps going on he decides to just take the phone call to tell the person who is calling him to leave him alone.

"Yes?"

"Niall. I think you should come," it's Simon, my manager.

"Simon, I don't know if you know where I'm going trough at the moment so-"

"There is something really important. It has to do with Harry," he interrupts me.

"Harry?"

"Yes Harry. Just come!"

"I'm on my way."

And two minutes later he finds himself in his car driving to the office.

He doesn't care to say hello to the receptionist and just walks to the elevator which opens immediately when he presses the button. He goes straight to the third flour to Simon his office.

"Niall," Simon greets him when he opens the door. "Good to see you again."

Niall just nods and follows the man into the room. He takes a seat and look at Simon waiting on an explanation.

"I got this over the mail today." He hands over a pile of letters. His name is written on it with the hand writing he knows is Harry's.

He gasps when takes a hold of them.

"They got lost, they don't know why. And someone recognized your name and the name of Harry, yes the world knows Harry died, and that person thought it was a good idea to send it to here."

Niall looks bewildered at the letters, not knowing what to say.

"I'm really sorry, Niall. About all of this," Simon tells him and he nods in respons.

"It's okay. Thank you for calling me. If you don't mind I want to go home and read these!" He holds up his hand with the letters and Simon lets him out the office.

"You can always call me!" He pats the young guy on the back.

"Thank you Si!"

 

-&-

 

Yours sincerely.

Harry."

 

He read trough all the letters and he feels even worse then he did before. He can't believe that this has happend.

He's crying and he doesn't know what to think.

He is the reason why Harry is dead.

He feels so guilty, he can't even explain.

He's been crying for over an hour after he read the last letter, Harry's goodbye letter.

He tries to get the letter back in the enveloppe when he finds another piece of paper.

When he opens he sees it's a lyrics. At the top of the page is written a little note by Harry.

"Dear Niall. I wrote this song lyrics in like two months. Hope you'll like it. Yours sincerely. Harry."

 

Infinity

Down to Earth

Keep 'em falling when I know it hurts

Going faster than a million miles an hour

Trying to catch my breath some way, somehow

Down to Earth

It's like I'm frozen, but the world still turns

Stuck in motion, and the wheels keep spinning 'round

Moving in reverse with no way out

And now I'm one step closer to being two steps far from you

When everybody wants you

Everybody wants you

How many nights does it take to count the stars?

That's the time it would take to fix my heart

Oh, baby, I was there for you

All I ever wanted was the truth, yeah, yeah

How many nights have you wished someone would stay?

Lie awake only hoping they're okay

I never counted all of mine

If I tried, I know it would feel like infinity

Infinity, infinity, yeah

Infinity

Eyes can't shine

Unless there's something burning bright behind

Since you went away, there's nothing left in mine

I feel myself running out of time

And now I'm one step closer to being two steps far from you

When everybody wants you

Everybody wants you

How many nights does it take to count the stars?

That's the time it would take to fix my heart

Oh, baby, I was there for you

All I ever wanted was the truth, yeah, yeah

How many nights have you wished someone would stay?

Lie awake only hoping they're okay

I never counted all of mine

If I tried, I know it would feel like infinity

Infinity, infinity, yeah

Infinity

How many nights does it take to count the stars?

That's the time it would take to fix my heart

Oh, baby, I was there for you

All I ever wanted was the truth, yeah, yeah

How many nights have you wished someone would stay?

Lie awake only hoping they're okay

I never counted all of mine

If I tried, I know it would feel like infinity

Infinity, infinity, yeah

Infinity

 

He doesn't know anymore.

Both of them were in love with each other and then this happend.

He finds himself stumbling to the kitchen.

He doesn't think he can live on without Harry and with the thought that he is the reason that the love of his life died.

He finds a meat knife in a drawer.

He puts the knife against his wrist and he feels a bit of pain when he pulls the blade against the flesh.

He can't live without this guy.

He can't.

The pain is getting worse and worse and blood is dripping on the kitchen tiles.

"I love you too, Harry. Sorry for not letting you see that. Hopefully we will be together soon!"

It doesn't take really long before his sight gets blurry and then completely black.

 

-&-

 

As soon as she got the call she rushed to her car and drove to the hospital. It was good idea to not go back to Ireland after the funeral.

She stayed at Niall's house but at the moment she had to be there she was out with a friend.

It was the maid, who helped Niall out with cleaning and washing when he was in London, who called her to tell her that she found Niall unconscious surrounded in his blood.

She also said that she already called an ambulance.

Maura doesn't get it. Niall tried to kill himself?

She is trying to drive but the tears are streaming down her face.

She gets a text from Jane, the maid, saying that they are almost at the hospital and that the guys from the ambulance told her that she found him in time and that there is a big chance he will survive.

It makes Maura feel a bit better but not completely.

 

-&-

 

She and Jane have been waiting in waiting room for over an hour without getting an update about Niall.

They are waiting on a doctor to come in and tell them Niall is okay.

Jane stayed because Maura didn't want to be alone in this. And Jane and Niall have always been friends.

Maura hasn't text anyone yet, it's not the time for that. She doesn't want it to go online or something. They don't know anything yet.

It's when Jane gets up to get some tea that a doctor walks in.

"You are here for Niall Horan, right?"

Maura gets up and shakes the hand of the doctor, Jane does the same.

"Please tell me you have news for us!" She is almost begging.

The eyes of the Doctor and Maura's meet each other. But Maura can't read anything in how he looks at her.

 

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! For the ones who don't get the end, it's an open end which actually means this story doesn't really have an end. It's a bit weird maybe but this is how I wanted it to be. It took me almost a month to figure out what I was going to do: letting Niall live or letting him die so I came up with this. I want to thank everyone who read my story, who vote and commented. Thanks a lot to y'all. You can subscribe to me, so you will get an email if I post a new story! You can also follow me on Tumblr if you want, my name on there is narryifyouaskme - if you have questions or you want to chat, you can do it over there! - . Love y'all. Tille.


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